When I was on the Combat Jack show the other day and he said something to the effect of “Hey man i see you making moves” and i responded “trying” and he corrected me to say “no, you are doing”. it kinda flew past me in that moment cus it was just a conversation but after the umpteenth phone call/meeting/email with a potential partner for whatever the fuck im trying to do in that exact moment it hit me. he was right. im doing. im not trying.
like talking with ppl about all the stuff thats going on and forgetting to mention half of it because there is so much going on but since nothing is really “crushing it” financially or living up to some grandiose expectation its easy to write off a lot of the things that are happening. Or when you shuffle the days i lay on my couch balled up hiding from whatever duties or demons into the deck of days that i spend waking, writing, bouncing around the city, mixing down music, making a beat, etc blah blah blah. im pretty productive
those balled up days are what makes doing feel like trying. those balled up days are the ones where none of this feels worth it and im generally questioning why i keep going. those balled up days are necessary because unlike a person with a boss or a job there isn’t anybody telling me to eat lunch or the office doesn’t empty out and i notice im the only one working. there is no division between my life and my work. there isn’t anything but my apartment and my mind. you don’t have to pay a light bill at your job, or book dental appointments for your boss or buy groceries for your office but guess who does, me. so the balled up days are more or less just the “HEY MAN SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND BREATHE” part of me taking over. I mean thats not addressing the general depression that accompanies it but thats an entirely different conversation, sorta. I don’t wanna get into all that.
I could run down a grocery list of things im doing. not trying actually doing. maybe when i say trying i mean im trying to do more of those things. maybe im using the word trying wrong but the key is that i probably shouldnt use the word at all.
i lost my train of thought because von returned my phone call and now my email needs a little attention
point im tryna make is that its easy to do so much stuff that you don’t know what it is you really do which makes you feel like you arent’ doing anything because you can’t simply wrap it up in a neat little description that gives a personal a general image. that makes it easy to say you are trying because you aren’t more successful at one thing than another or because you are trying to expand. but its important to remember that you are doing, not trying.
maybe ill talk about depression and trauma next. maybe i wont speak again for months tho. probably the latter.
but through the years ive been lead to believe “I dont do anything”
i work hard as hell
i was literally just thinking how easy it must be to have a regular ass job and go to work and come home. haha. this was before our conversation on the phone.
fuck that shit man
fuck that. you don’t do one thing you do EVERYTHING which isn’t quantifiable so it becomes nothing which is the ultimate in bullshit.
bruh. this shit is hard. keeping my calendar in order and email at bay is job enough but doing the things that are actually in my email and honoring my calendar and THEN doing normal life stuff that is just kinda budgeted into a work day (lunch, break, getting off work) for get about it.
don’t let a nigga get sick or have a dr’s appointment… bruh